Social Graces
Do you have an etiquette question? If so, you have come to the right place! Lynn Rankin has long been studying 19th century etiquette and collecting vintage sources for this topic. Her continually growing collection of books spans 1790 through 1930, and ranges from specific topics such as letter writing to etiquette for specific regions, such as New York.
The questions Mrs. Rankin can answer fall under the following five categories: General Etiquette, Conversation, Dress, Table/Entertaining Etiquette, Balls, Parties, and Socials
Please send questions directly to Ms. Rankin at lrankin@kl.com. Mrs. Rankin will research the answer and both the question and its answer will be posted here. We will contact you when the answer appears on our site.
I've been invited to a tea for a bride. Is a gift expected?
In answer to your question, I must ask another question. Has there been any type of bridal shower for the bride or is one to occur in the future? Early etiquette books mention a bride's tea. It is at this event that the bride gave her bride's gift to her bridesmaids. There is no mention of gifts to the bride at that time.
Emily Post states in her 1929 edition of Etiquette "...usually her bridesmaids lunch with her, without any "party preparation," or come in for tea, the day before the wedding, and on that day the bride gives each of them "her present, which is always something to wear.
She goes on to say that showers are an American custom considered friendly neighborhood gatherings held in honor of a bride. At times, the invitation to a shower would indicate the type of shower, i.e. linens, kitchen utensils, etc. If nothing has been listed on the invitation, it may be wise to check when responding. Perhaps this is a "bridal shower tea" and not just a "bridal tea
What is the proper way to seat your guests?
The Mistress of the dinner leads her guests to the table with the honored gentleman while the mistress's spouse leads in the honored gentleman's spouse. Other guests follow in order of importance.
The honored guest, if a gentleman, is seated to the right of the Mistress of the table, or, if female, then seated to the right of the Master of the table. Remaining guests are seated around the table in a male/female rotation.
If there is no master of the table, then honored guests are seated nearest to the Mistress of the table and across from one another.
If you are seating at a "high" table, then the Master and Mistress of the event are seated at the center of the table with honored guests on either side (male/female - female/male). Other honored family members would be seated down the line from the honored guest.
If, for instance, there is more than one daughter, the daughters would continue to the right or left of their parents. If there are other honored guests, the daughters would be displaced to further down the "head" table or even seated at floor tables.
Who would answer the door to greet guests if the family had no servants? Would children open the door?
Most reference sources indicate that even a very modest income family would have servants. If the family set aside a day for calling hours, they might employ specific help for that day. If a servant was not employed, a senior member of the household would answer the door. While I could find no references to children answering the door, this was a time of children being seen and not heard and so it's unlikely that a child would handle this task.
I am fascinated with the recent "discovery" of the inclusion of waste bowls in some of the silver tea sets I have looked at online. Can you please explain to me what the purpose of the waste bowl is, when included with a tea service?
A waste bowl would be included in any fine silver tea service or in a Chinese tea service. Depending on the size of the waste bowl, it can be used for the teapot warming water, for tea leaves either from the strainer or those pulled from the teapot in order to make fresh tea.
Please advise on which side of the gentleman the lady should walk when being escorted into a function (e.g. a Gala Ball).
After a due diligence of several resources, I found no direct instruction regarding how to escort a lady. However, based upon traditions from fraternal groups (i.e. Masons, Elks, etc.), the military and general observation of long standing world traditions (weddings, funerals, etc.), the "escort" would stand on to the left side of the lady.
Is there an rule of etiquette about wearing linen dresses, etc after Labor Day?
After referencing several etiquette books, I found no real direct answer to your questions regarding linen other than for a traveling outfit. The following clothing guidelines appear in the 1881 etiquette book, Decorum by S. L. Louis. I would say there is quite a bit of leeway depending on where you live and what station you wish to dress.
Never dress above your station. "Care more for the nice fitting of your dress than for its material."
Morning Dress for Visitor - For summer may be of cambric, or other wash-goods, either white or figured; in winter plain woolen goods.
Morning Dress for Street Wear - Dress should be plain in color and made and of serviceable material. Dress should be short enough to clear the ground. White skirts are out of place, the colored ones being much more appropriate.
Business Woman's Dress - "This dress need not be so peculiar as to mark them for objects of observation, but still it should differ from the ordinary walking-costume. Its material as a rule should, be more serviceable, better fitted to endure the vicissitudes of weather, and of plan color, such as browns or grays."
The Promenade Dress - This dress admits a greater richness in material and variety in trimming than that of the business or errand dress. It should however, display no two incongruous colors, and had best be in one tint except for contrast. Country walking dresses must be made for service rather than display. Material for a walking outfit "may be as rich or as plain" as the wearer would like or means justify. Avoid bright colors.
Carriage Dress - A dress for a drive cannot be too rich in material - silks, velvets and lace are all appropriate.
Dress for Receiving Calls - For the hostess, this dress will differ depending on when she receives the caller. Mornings are more casual; however, in the afternoon, her dress may be of silk or other goods suitable to the season or to her position and in a plain color. White plain linen collar and cuffs for a morning dress and lace for an afternoon dress.
Dress of Hostess - Rich material in a subdued tone. A young hostess should wear a dress of rich silk, black or dark in color with collar and cuffs of fine lace; elderly hostess may wear satin or velvet with rich lace.
Traveling Clothes - "A lady making a long journey will find it more convenient to have a traveling-suit made expressly. Linen is used in summer, as the dust is so easily shaken from it and it can be readily washed. In winter a waterproof dress and sacque are the most serviceable."
I would like to employ the authentic style and etiquette for the verbiage of a Gatsby-style theme invitation.
In answer to your query, I am using two sources --first one, The New Book of Etiquette by Lillian Eichler, c. 1924 by Nelson Doubleday Inc. and the second, Etiquette by Emily Post, c. 1929 by Fund, Wagnalls Company.
There are several ways this invitation can be set up. According to Lillian Eichler, formal invitation would be engraved or handwritten on white, un-ruled sheets that fold once into their envelopes. A formal invitation should be written in the third person. For the type of invitation you are requesting, I would suggest the following style wording, centered on the invitation.
The pleasure of __________________'s (name written or engraved) company
is requested at the (school's name)
Seventy-fifth Anniversary
at the _______________ (location)
on Friday evening, August the twenty-eighth
from seven o'clock until one o'clock.
Patronesses or Committee names listed on the bottom.
OR
According to Emily Post, your can use the following wording, again centered in on the invitation -
The Committee of the (School's name)Seventy-fifth Anniversary
(Location)
OR
The pleasure of your company
is requested
at the
Seventy-fifth Anniversary of _________________
to be held at the _______________________
Saturday evening, September the fourth
at seven o'clock
Cards of admission, Twenty-five Dollars
on sale at the
________________________ or _______________________.
This invitation would be done on either letter sheet or a large card. Ms. Post suggests that the cards should be 5 1/2" wide and 3 3/4" high on Bristol board (similar to a wedding invitation of today) and the card would include an embossed crest without color or nothing at the top. Ms. Post also states "script is always best to use or invitations may be engraved in such style of lettering that is in fashion at the moment." Ms. Post continues to state that words must be placed on specified lines and centered as evenly as possible.
What is the proper way for a gentleman and a lady to proceed into seating at the theater?
Although the etiquette for entering into a theater varied over time, the consensus of references from 1881, 1901, 1923, 1924, and 1929 is that the usher leads the way up the aisle, with the lady and gentleman following side by side. However, Emily Post states that when with a party, a gentleman goes down the aisle first and gives all the tickets to the usher, then the other guests follow in seating order. Ms. Post says that "going down the aisle is not a question of precedence, but a question of seating." She adds that, if there is only a gentleman and lady and they meet the usher at the head of the aisle, the couple enters together, but if the usher is met mid-aisle, the gentleman precedes the lady up to the usher and then allows the lady to precede him.
A postscript from Correct Social Usage, 1909 states "the right order of precedence at these public places is not always clearly understood."
Why is it proper for a gentleman to walk on the outside on public streets, and how did that custom get started?
The general etiquette on this question changed after the turn of the century. Before 1900, a gentleman offered his right arm to the lady when walking, keeping himself closest to the curb. If he was on a crowded street, however, he would position the lady on the side least exposed to crowding. This rule appears in two references from 1881. In references from 1909, 1924, and 1929, both of the following rules are found:
A gentleman walks on the side of the pavement which best guards the lady from obstacles and dangers.
The gentleman takes the curb side when escorting or walking with a lady.
These references also note that a lady no longer leans on a gentleman when they are walking together.
Why should a gentleman lead a woman down a flight of stairs but follow her going up a flight of stairs?
I found this question interesting, and very little has been written about it. The three references I found (out of 21 books!) are as follows:
1881 - Decorum, A Practical Treatise on Etiquette and Dress of the Best American Society, Revised by S. L. Louis:
A gentleman goes up before a lady and descends behind her.
1924 - The New Book of Etiquette, by Lillian Eichler:
When ascending or descending, the lady precedes unless it is after dark, when it is permissible for the gentleman to precede.
1929 - Etiquette, by Emily Post:
A gentleman precedes a lady if the way is uncertain or dangerous. He also precedes her down steep or slippery stairways. The idea is to protect her should she slip.
One reference book stated that a gentleman followed a lady when climbing stairs on a ship, but that he had to keep his eye no higher than the hem of the lady's dress. Also that he should precede her down those steps in case she needed assistance.
I am hosting a birthday tea and would like to know the proper etiquette for serving champagne. It will be a sit down tea.
Champagne may be used at the beginning of a meal, for a toast, or at the end of a meal, in place of a desert wine. Adding champagne to an afternoon tea makes it a royal tea. Champagne should be poured by a designated server who travels around the table, starting with the host and the guest of honor. The champagne should be poured from the guest's right side, and the bottle should be wrapped in cloth and held in the server's right hand.
I am writing in request of information regarding working for wedding invitations. My wedding will be set in the 1870's Bustle Period and we would like to have the most authentic invitations possible.
The following samples are from etiquette books of 1870, 1881 and 1887. First is a sample invitation from The Ladies Book of Etiquette, Fashion and Manual of Politeness, 1870. Please bear in mind that weddings during this era were attended only by immediate family members. The reception at the home of the bride's mother's (or nearest relative), took place on the wedding day or upon the Bride's return from the bridal tour. The invitation below is for the reception at the bride's mother's home.
Mrs. John Adams
At home, Wednesday, July 30th,
from 11 till 2
No. 6, Hanover St.The sample invitation from Our Deportment, or the Manners, Conduct, and Dress of the Most Refined Society, 1881, follows. The author of this manual notes that "wedding invitations should be handsomely engraved in script."
Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Smith
request your presence at the marriage
of their daughter,
Miss Jane Smith
to
Mr. James T. Jones,
on Wednesday, July 30th, at
12 o'clock
St. Mary's Church
Newport Avenue.Please note that in 1881 the invitation required no answer (RSVP). An invitation to the wedding breakfast, on a square card the same size as the ceremony invitation, was enclosed in the same envelope. This would read as follows:
At Home,
Wednesday, July 30th,
from 12 until 3 o'clock
35 Harrison Avenue.A sample invitation from Manners and Social Usages, 1887, follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Brown
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding of their daughter Sarah to James Jones
at St. Mary's Church,
on Wednesday, July thirtieth,
at two o'clock.A smaller card inviting guests to the reception would be enclosed:
Reception
at 10 Wayward Street, at half-past two.As you can see, the form of wedding invitations has changed very little over the years.
Could you please tell me how a Victorian grand ball invitation would be delivered and what it might look like?
In answering your question, I quote from Manners and Social Usages, by Mrs. John Sherwood, 1887:
"The word 'ball' is used for public affairs, but no lady invites you to a 'ball' at her own house. The words 'At Home,' with 'Cotillon'* or 'Dancing' in one corner, and the hour and date, alone are necessary."
*The more familiar spelling of this word is "cotillion."
The invitation would have been arranged as follows, on invitation stock (similar to our present-day card stock invitations:
Mrs. John Smith request the
pleasure of the company of
Mr. and Mrs. Albert Jones
on Friday evening, May one,
at nine o'clockOR:
Mrs. John Smith
At Home
Friday evening, May one,
At nine o'clockDancing R.S.V.P.
Cotillon at ten. R.S.V.P.
Invitations would have been engraved, then mailed or hand delivered to the guests. A simple but elegant look was preferred. In 1887, printers kept half-engraved invitations in stock, with blank spaces for recipients names to be penned in.
I am hosting a Victorian Valentine Tea and would like to know the proper etiquette of writing invitations and serving tea for sit down.
The proper invitation for the Victorian time frame would read as follows:
Miss Smith requests the pleasure of your company for tea at the home of [address] at two o'clock on Sunday, February 16, 2003.
No RSVP was given and it was expected that the person receiving the invitation would contact the sender immediately to indicate whether or not they were attending. For today's sake, I would put an RSVP and a number to respond to.
Concerning the serving of tea: If the guests will be sitting around a dining room table, the hostess or an appointed guest will attend each person to pour their tea, and the food will be passed by the guests around the table. If the guests will be sitting in a living room or parlor, the hostess or appointed guest will serve tea and then pass around the treats.
I would like to have a Victorian wedding and I understand that white wedding gowns were not always worn. When did they come into vogue?
The white wedding dress was first worn by Anne of Brittany in 1499, but did not become popular until the late 1870's, although Queen Victoria did wear a white gown in 1840. The white gown was mostly worn by the very rich until the early 1900's. A bride would wear her wedding dress to balls, receptions, afternoon socials, and for Sunday dress during the first year of her marriage. The most popular wedding gown colors were blue, gray, silver, and brown.
I have been invited to attend a Victorian Ball, what should I know about the ball?
Victorian balls consist of two sets of dances, each set consisting of 4 to 6 dances. Dancers will be asked to form lines, squares, or a circle. Ladies will receive a dance card that will note each dance, and gentlemen can request a specific dance (for example, the reel, quadrille, or grand march). Most dances will have a caller who will direct (or call) the dance. It is best to wear soft-soled, flat shoes, as most of the dances are quick and require energetic movements, such as skipping or hopping.
What are the proper accoutrements for a tea table?
Proper tea table accoutrements include teapot, cups and saucers, spoons, creamer, sugar bowl, sugar tongs, tea strainer, small plates, linen napkins, and tablecloth. One might also include a tea caddy, trays with treats, and serving tongs. The table can be set in a formal arrangement for sitting, in which case the hostess will travel to each guest, or buffet style, where guests will travel to the hostess and take their seats after tea is poured.
When attending a Christmas party at someone's home, should the guests approach the hostess when arriving a the party, or should the hostess greet arriving guests?
Throughout most of the 19th century, a hostess would meet and greet her guests at the door. Generally, a welcome line would be formed by the family to greet guests as they arrived. Especially in Victorian times, punctuality was of the utmost importance, and one would not arrive late. Given that, it would be very easy for the host and hostess to wait in the foyer to greet their guests. In the same vein, if the party included dancing, the host and hostess would first dance together. They would then retire from the floor and make sure that everyone was enjoying themselves.
